When I make a promise I stick by it. No matter how much it hurts.

I had mentioned in my review of "Ricky" that, as penance for watching a movie that required thinking and reflection to come to grips with, I would make my next movie a film about slugs. And, if I am anything, it is a man of my word.

"Slugs" is a half Spanish, half American horror film from director Juan Piquer Simón, the very same guy who gave us the classic science fiction film "Pod People," which was one of the greatest movies of all time!*

This is Trumpy. He can do magic things!

The film itself is about exactly what you think it is about, killer slugs. Yes slugs. Like the little wormy guys in your garden. Homeless snails. Slugs. Yeah, I know, it's stupid, the movie knows it's stupid, everyone knows it's stupid, don't worry.

We find ourselves in a small town, everyone is all happy and poorly dubbed, but that's OK because that's just how life in a small town is ever since John Cougar Melencamp stole all the whimsy from all the towns in America. The scenic bliss is shattered when dead, partial eaten bodies start popping up, and only one man knows the cause, killer slugs. Not killer slugs from outer space, but, rather, killer, mutant slugs; because space would be silly, yo.Soon the man eating slugs are terrorizing the town, and there is only one way to stop them, science. Which, of course, causes most of the town to explode, because science is a fickle, fickle bitch.

I know what you are wondering, can a movie about killer molluscs really be scary? Also slugs are kind of cute, why would they kill anyone? More to the point, how could they kill anyone, they are tiny and cute.

This guy wouldn't kill you for anything, he just wants to eat this stick.

"Slugs" is well aware that it's very premise is silly, but doesn't let that get in the way of telling am old fashioned horror story at all. And I'll be honest, the fact that they play it totally straight, while still having little slugs doing things slugs could not, under normal laws of physics, do, makes the movie a blast to watch. Sure, logic would dictate that, so long as you wore long pants and shoes, slugs couldn't possibly do any more damage to you than an enraged cricket, or earthworm, but still, we see people literally being dragged to their death by armies of slugs. We see them skelentonize a young lady faster than a school of piranha, like it is no big thing.

Which brings me to a major part of the move: it is gory. Like, super gory. Like 80's Italian horror movie gory. Like, the slugs eat a woman's eye out, while she is still alive and it looks good gory. Like she is withering around on the ground screaming and crying for help with out an eye and they are continuing to eat her gory. All the while the slugs are slugs and none of it makes any sense.

As for the acting, well, the actors...know their lines.

For the most part.

It should be noted that half of the movie was filmed in Spain and half of the movie was filmed in New York, for reasons I cannot comprehend. So there are a lot of scenes where the dialog is dubbed in for actors who don't speak English, and they look about as terrible as you might imagine. I really don't understand why there was the split, as it would have been easier to do all of it in one location, and it would have looked better. Instead we have people forcing English words out of mouths that have never uttered the language before, and they are actually better actors than the people who speak the language every day. Let me perfectly blunt: no one in this movie can act. At all. Period.

Worse than him.

Worse than Walker.

Yep. Worse.

Better love story than "Twilight" but worse acting.

I would be remiss, though, if I didn't mention one, very odd point in the movie. A point in which, even I, an avid watcher of movies, got so confused I had to stop watching for a bit to let what I saw sink in. And I just want to be clear, I am not being silly here, so don't take this part as a joke.

So we have a Halloween party in a wooded lot, attended by a bunch of teens, pretty standard horror device, literally anything terrible that can happen to a group will happen to a group of drunk teens. So we see two teens go off in the woods to make out, again par for the course. The local asshole wanders after them with a mask, to scare them up nasty style, again normal. Boy gets handsy, girl says no, boy calls girl a prude, wanders away; you can fill in the visuals as you wish, you have seen it before. So the guy in the mask jumps out, but not to scare our virginal lady, but to fucking rape her. I am not making that up, he tackles her to the ground and tears at her panties. This light hearted, silly movie about slugs killing people jumps into a movie with an attempted, and vicious, rape. The girl manages to get away and is promptly killed by the slugs while the rapist is never mentioned again. What. The. Fucking. Fuck. Movie, that isn't how this works, the rapist is supposed to get is slug bit off by a slug or something, not walk away and be fine while his victim is slowly eaten by millions of tiny garden pests. That's how movies like this work. At least have someone arrest him, or show him remorseful, because, in universe, he is going to do this again, and it is all your fault movie. You could have stopped this.

Anyway, "Slugs", aside from that one scene, is a goofy, tongue in cheek horror movie that, while playing it straight, knows that every scene is a joke. It is enjoyable, perhaps a little intolerable when it comes to the acting, and the pacing, but overall fun to watch, and the best movie I have seen on the subject of man eating slugs this year.

Rating: C
* No it isn't. Really, it isn't at all.

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