Mac and Me - 1988

He's covering his eyes so he won't have to watch this shit stain of a movie. That's what we in the business call "consideration"

On June 11, 1982 a movie came out about a little boy and his little alien friend. It was a beautiful, heartwarming tale of friendship and childhood innocence, that reminded us all that the universe can be an amazing place if we just remember how to keep the kid in us alive well past the point that the cold, cynical world should have otherwise killed it off. And, as the closing titles of" E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial" began their slow march up the screen, in a darkened theater, an executive from McDonald's said quietly into a gigantic 80's tape recorder "We totally need to get on this Alien thing, but take out the heartwarming stuff and replace it with McDonald's dance offs. Also, remember to pick up Cocaine. Lots of cocaine."

Flash forward some years later, and this vision/coke-fueled nightmare is made flesh. And not the good kind of sexy flesh either, this is a pound of Croninburgian "New Flesh". Fear it.

The movie starts out on some shit hole planet with some shit hole aliens drinking liquid from the shit hole dirt that they walk on. You know what, screw it, this movie doesn't deserve a recap, I mean just look at these...things...

Those aren't aliens, those are survivors of Progeria.

In case you thought there was a joke there, there wasn't. I am almost certain that the character designers based the look of the aliens in this film of kids with Progeria. And I am so sorry that THIS had be be linked to their disease, as if they didn't suffer enough.

The film serves two purposes (well, three if you count drawing the soul from your eyeballs): whore McDonald's, and whore Coca-Cola. And they do that in every scene they can. The Aliens drink Coke to stay alive (and it resurrects them, apparently), and all anyone can talk about is how awesome McDonald's is. None of the characters have any real motivation, save for corporate shilling. And...Jesus Monopoly Guy Christ this is one ugly ass alien.

Just stop it. Stop BEING.

Allegedly the movie climaxes with the aliens bringing someone back to life, but that is a lie. The movie hits its peak with the McDonald's Birthday Dance Off, of which words cannot accurately describe. There is dancing, and football players, and80's and drugs, and Mac in a teddy bear outfit...

There is almost no part of this movie that works on any reasonable level as a film. The acting is terrible, even by kid's movie standards, the aliens walk and look like they are functionally retarded, no one has any motivation, and the script is a beat for beat rip off of ET, but without the warmth, magic, talent, or aspirations for greatness. Mac has an ass on the back of his head, and that is where this movie came from.

Again, there is no joke here.

I am not sure how this movie could have been made better. Perhaps if it was animated, which in a way I think the filmmakers wanted to do. Mac certainly acts animated, well in a amateurish, off putting way. Perhaps if the character designers had made the aliens in a way that made them relatable in any way at all, and didn't look like they would lose in a battle of wits with a cow.

I said STOP EXISTING!

Truly there is no way to save this movie, it was made with the sole purpose of making little kids want to go to McDonald's and drink Coke, and nay other purpose (story-telling, morals) were completely disregarded. This is a film without a soul, without a reason. It is as close to a sociopath as a inanimate object can be. Keep your distance and just watch the "highlights" on YouTube. And don't let the aliens follow you into your dreams.

Oh, is this a spoiler? I'll fix it.

Better?

Grade: Shoot me in the head. Please.