Dear Hulu: Religious movies don't belong under the Horror heading. Especially when you don't give an accurate description. Throw a guy a bone here.

Note to readers: I drank while watching this. Heavily. I am still drinking now.


Ok, let me try to hammer this out before the whiskey wears off, and before you ask, yes, yes whiskey was very, very necessary for this movie. So to start, Hulu has this listed as a horror movie, and I guess in the strictest sense it is; however, it is also a fundamentalist Christian telling of the end of days. End of days that are brought on by...cloning or some shit.

Here's the deal, we start the movie with some real promise, a lady is crawling on the floor all bloody and hurt and what not, and we get a quick cutaway to the title, "I'm Not Jesus Mommy". At this point hopes are high, we have a great title, and a potentially Omen-esque plot based on the poster above. How can we go wrong? 

So this fertility doctor is hired by...the government? Maybe? To be part of this cloning experiment  You see some guy managed to clone an embryo out of a red blood cell, even though science says that is fucking stupid as hell (red blood cells have no nuclei  thus have no DNA structure contained within, so you can't clone them). So, because she is barren or something, she steals an embryo and shoves it all up in herself with a turkey baster. On the toilet. Because life is sacred yo.

So, after her reverse senior prom (give it a second), she catches preggers and gives birth to a baby! Then we flash forward seven years, and there is an ice age and war and pestilence and holy crap maybe there is a story in that part movie? Maybe we can see the fall of the civilized world? No? OK. Lady is full of sores and other forced parallels and little kid is busy bring mice back from the dead. Oh, and people who die suddenly disappear to join Jesus in the giant ball pit in the sky. Because fuck you cremated people, you should have known better. The kid as it turns out is cloned from a red blood cell found on the Shroud of Turin  because that make sense, right, so they think he is Jesus, but he isn't. That's the end. He isn't Jesus. It's right there in the FUCKING TITLE OF THE MOVIE. 

Just a second, I need more booze.

Where do I start with this pile of donkey mess?  Actually, there is only one place to start, with the main actress: Bridget McGrath. Fuck. You. Bridget. McGrath. You can't act. At all. And I am not saying that you are kind of bad at delivering lines, or that your expressions are wooden, I can accept that. Debbie Gibsion is a terrible actress, but I will willingly and happily watch her in her appearances in SyFi Original Films. You, on the other hand, deliver your lines with all the emotion of the Mac Voice. THE. MAC VOICE ISN'T AN ACTOR! Now I won't go the route that most reviewers go down and make fun of her weight (although I will say, allegedly  in the movie, the world falls apart for seven years, and she doesn't seem to drop any weight, which is impressively slow metabolism). She pisses me off not because she was cast, I am ok with bad casting if no one else is available  but because she PRODUCED the fucking movie! She made a movie with the soul intent of putting herself in it! Then released it TWICE, under DIFFERENT names! I can't stand people who create something just to put themselves in it. On a completely unrelated note, character designs for the new season of B Movie B Happy are going swimmingly, and my character looks swell. Thanks for asking.

This is the worst kind of bad movie, it was a movie that had such promise, but was wasted by morons who thought they could pull of something of value. Seriously, how can you fuck up a movie about the Anti-Christ? Cast a weird looking kid, have people die, have him look weird. BOOM, movies done. Go home, hug a loved one. The Omen only took four hours to shoot. That is 100% true. (Note to self when sober:  fact check that, it seems wrong).

Here's the problem, I didn't know this was a religious movie until about midway thru it. If you can't put forth what your movie is about in the first fifteen minutes of the film, then go back and rewrite it, because you are not doing your audience any favors with your indecision. And indecisive this movie is! Characters who are heartless suddenly turn to Christ, people who are good, suddenly aren't and, over all, the movie feels like it was two or three movies in one, but not in a good way. Like, instead of a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup think toothpaste and Skittles. And maybe some horseradish to boot. I know what this movie was getting at, a bloodier version of "Left Behind" to try to get the kids or something on board. But if you want to indoctrinate children into your crazy little schemes, you have to at least make it fun. Pedophiles paint there vans for a reason movie, and it ain't just because it is fun to huff the automotive paint, it is to lure them in so they know, I am just going to leave that thought there.

Anyway, I need more whiskey, and this movie needs to go away, or be better, or be made with someone who knows how to tell a coherent story. Also I want chips. 

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