Oh SyFy, I don't care if you inexplicably changed your name, I will always like like you.

You know how sometimes you see or hear something, and you know, you just know, right down to the bottom of your cold, icy, long dead heart, that you must experience it, post haste. It is just a specific combination of thoughts or experiences that promise new and exciting feelings that you are as helpless to explain as you are to stop yourself from flinging yourself at it. Whilst perusing the internet, I had one of those moments the other day, and this, dear frenemies, is what brought on those feelings.

And if that doesn't say a lot about me and my shattered psyche, I don't know what does.

Come on, just say the name out loud; "Chupacabra versus the Alamo," why would such words be grouped together. How can the Alamo fight? It is a building, a normal building. And normally, buildings, save for those owned by the Gales, tend to be incapable of inflicting bodily harm. How, then, can a 19th century fort fight anything, let alone mythical dog-beasts that thirst for livestock blood?

Well, lets look into that, shall we Billy?

"Chupacabra vs the Alamo" is the latest original "film" to be aired on the confusingly named SyFy network (formally SciFi, more formally The SciFi Chanel, more more formally The Science Fiction Chanel, more more more formally programming snow), in which washed up actors fight poorly done computer effects and show that they can still work dangnabit! Eric Estrada (CHiPs, Sea Lab 2021, um, that one VH1 show with MiniMe and Vanilla Ice) and his hair piece (?) star as DEA cop Carlos. That's all, no last name that I can pick up. That's how you know that you are dealing with a fleshed out and thought out character, when you don't even have a last name for someone that is a federal agent and would therefore be giving out his name often. Anyway, on his day off he stumbles upon a series of gruesome killings that lead closer and closer to home, eventually reuniting him with his gang banger son and a stand off pairing the cops and a gang of street toughs against a pack of chupacabras in the Alamo. Because these are things that make sense. Luckily he and his son manage to blow up the national landmark by planting more C4 explosives in it than in every video game ever made, put together, and escaping out of a tunnel in the basement. Which, just proves that the writers didn't do their homework at all.

Not pictured: A basement.

So here is what is so wonderful about SyFy films; we have a concept (chupacabras attacking a town) and the writers know that such an idea is absurd and silly, everyone knows that chupacabras will not attack a group of people larger than a villa, but the writers lack the ability to properly show that incredulity while keeping the story going, nor how to make people think that chupacabras are attacking when this is a scenario that no one in their right mind would ever suggest. So they have one person (normally a superstitious character) throw out, "Maybe it was a chupacabra, they killed my aunt's chickens when I was little," and one person say, "That is silly, they aren't real," and that person then get voted down by everyone else. This happens every fucking time in these moves.

"People are turning up burned to death in the streets"

"Must be a phoenix. My grandma said that one burned her farm down in the 70's"

"That is crazy, everyone knows that phoenixes aren't real. They're a myth!"

"But there has to be a reason that people are being burned to death."

"You're right, it must be a phoenix."

(Cocks shotgun) "Guess it is time to find us some fried chicken"

Scene from Super Phoenix vs MechaBear - Staring Alex Winter and copyright me. SyFi, do you hear me, it's mine!

Soon I will have ALL the moneys. And will also be a black woman, I guess.

If you are going to throw all logic and reality out the window, why not go all the way; I mean chupacabras are really just feral dogs when you get right down to it, why not go big? Instead of chupacabras why not Bigfoot? Or dinosaurs? Or Nazi Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) riding dinosaurs leading armies of chupacabras on a blood soaked charge to take over the world? Oooh yeah, you hear me SyFy, mine!

Unless Wednesday wants to write a song about that. Then it is cool.

As for the movie, it is pretty standard stuff, the acting is third rate, the special effects look like the chupacabras were ripped right out of an episode of PeeWee's Playhouse (two mentions of PeeWee in one article!) and lack weight when they run, which leaves them looking like they are float walking wherever they go. Also, they look stupid as hell.
Really, the whole movie is really, really foolish in it's execution. There are points when Eric Estrada is driving around on a motorcycle, clearly referencing CHiPs, and half the time it is a terrible green screen effect of him on a non-moving hog. He clearly knows how to ride a motorcycle, as he rides it in all the other scenes, so why green screen him? That was a waste of time and effort on your part movie.

All that said, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. Sure it was stupid, and terrible and made no logical sense whatsoever, but that is why I watch SyFi original movies. There are no delusions of grandeur here, folks, every person in this knows they are in a bad B movie and embraces it wholeheartedly. This is what separates a movie like "Chupacabra vs the Alamo" from a movie like "Birdemic" or to a lesser extent "The Room" the later two movies took themselves seriously and thought they were more important than they actually were. In fact I would dare say that if it wasn't for Tommy Wassau in "The Room" and his alien-ness, "The Room" would have been the most irritatingly self-important movie ever made. SyFy doesn't make that mistake, and benefits from it. If you are in the right frame of mind, namely drunk, "Chupacabra vs the Alamo" is one of the most fun movies to come out in the last few months. If you are looking for something good however, you will be sorely disappointed.

Now to start writing "Terrordactyl," expect it to air sometime next week on SyFy, assuming they don't steal the idea away from me...MINE SYFY, MINE!! Also I claim "Chupacobra," in which a mutant cobra/chupacabra terrorizes a town. I'm going to be so rich...

Rating: C
 





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