Pictured: Romance. Also a lake.

So, you just met a girl that you are quite fond of, good for you! She is smart, funny, pretty, and for reasons far beyond your current level of understanding, doesn't see your awkward, clumsy attempts to make small talk as creepy, stalkeresque or weird. In other words things are off to a pretty good start. Now you are probably wondering how to make the most of the situation you find yourself in. How can you make sure that this special lady understands that you are interested in more than just forced office chit chat over stale coffee, and would like to make forced romantic chit chat over overpriced coffee.

Well, if you are
this guy, you simply send her a picture of your junk, and hope for the best. And in this situation, the best did happen, as these texts show...
For those of you who don't feel like reading that, Trevor went ahead and sent an unsolicited picture of his naked no-no area to a woman who, apparently, he had never met, nor had requested such a shot in the first place. Said lady, who is awesome, went ahead and found Trevor's mom on Facebook, and forwarded the pic to her, in what might be the greatest burn in the long and sordid history of burns. Had that been the end of it, I would have just taken this as an awesome story of come-upends, and left it at that, but of course this is the internet, and when someone, especially a woman, out thinks a man, and more specifically mentions "rape culture," she is tagged as a bitch, whore, or worse, despite the fact that Queen Latifah told us not to call women that. And she's a queen.

Do I think that the woman in question (I don't know her name, so I will, for the article, refer to her as Lucy, because why not), had the right to send that picture of Trevor's bait and tackle to his mother? Hell yeah I do, in fact I think that that might be the best way to deal with someone like that, and would encourage every woman who finds herself in a similar situation to do the same, if such a solution is available to you. Was she right to throw out the "rape culture comment at the end? Even more hell yeah. Homeboy threw his silly putty right in her face when she wasn't asking for it, or showing any interest in it at all, that shows that Trevor looked at her only as a sex object and not as a person, which is pretty much what "rape culture" is all about. Lucy handled the situation in a way that let him know his actions were unacceptable, and when Trevor didn't back down and show remorse, punished him better than any speech could have. What do you want to bet that he will think twice about sending random pictures of his Little Italy to strangers again? Mission accomplished.

But let's be honest here, the fact that there are still people on this Earth who think that Lucy was wrong in what she did, and that she should have just ignored it, or worse yet, enjoyed it, just shows that society has a long way to go in how it handles the courtship process, and how it views women in general. With that in mind, I decided that, seeing as I was able to win over a beautiful woman to be my wife, I could help some of these young men learn the best way to find a keep a partner.

Tip #1 and the only tip: Treat her like an equal.

Here is one thing that men do that I simply cannot wrap my head around, but it seems to be prevalent even into ages where we should know a hell of a lot better; men will, knowingly, treat a woman like garbage because they think that is the best way to win her over. Where the hell did this come from? I mean, don't get me wrong, there are women out there who enjoy having men treat them the same as they would a pile of refuse, but a vast, vast, vast majority of the female population would rather have a partner who recognizes them as people and not wet garbage. Guys, don't act all tough and aloof with women, it is OK to be yourself, be funny, be stupid, be random; women are the same way and by being yourself, you allow a proper relationship to form from the start, which is much better than suddenly throwing the "real you" at her three months down the road.

More importantly, woman are not objects. I cannot stress this enough, women are not put on this earth to sex you up, or to be made the subject of your unwanted advances. Hey, you like that lady at the bar, great,go talk with her, find some common interests, take her to a movie; these are all ways to get closer to her. Don't fucking send her a picture of your Bop-It. That is not what wins friends. Don't relentlessly hound her for sex, and accuse her of being a prude if she doesn't jump into bed at the first sign of your machismo; what he hell is wrong with the world when I have to even tell you that real people aren't like porn people and don't tend to screw anything that moves with complete disregard to attraction, comfort or emotion. When people use the phrase "rape culture", this is precisely what they mean, not that we are encouraging our youth to actively go out and rape for fun, which, to be honest, would make for an interesting Olympic event, but rather that we have, somehow, formed a society in which it is OK to view people as less than human and only here for our needs. And with women that idea has been around for a really, really long time. There are entire websites devoted to the notion that women are less than men and need to be raped because they can't feel love the way men do, and thus deserve it. If what I wrote there doesn't make you sick, than fuck you you piece of shit, go back to your terrible website and I hope you die of some undiscovered and untreatable super cancer, you pus covered, malignant canker on the cock of the world.



Sorry mom.

Guys, and this goes to all of you, not just the assholes, we all grew up with the phrase "nice guys finish last" beat into our heads non stop, and, I'll admit, I grew up believing it. I honestly thought that I would never find happiness simply because I wasn't enough of an asshole to take my happiness from other people. I am here to tell you that this is not true anymore, if it was ever. We are living in a world where the exchange you see above is not as rare are you might imagine, in fact, if my discussions about online dating with various woman folk are to be believed (and I have no real reason to doubt them) this is alarmingly common.Especially with the advent of online dating; now creepy, sex starved men are finding new avenues to freak out women and treat them like garbage, all without leaving the comfort of their mom's basement. Now is the time for reasonable, righteous men to stand up and remind the world that we exist. Now is the age of the nice guy. Treat women like they matter, like you care about them as equals, not because it can help you get laid, but because you actually and genuinely do. Respect that a woman has a choice about sleeping with you, or seeing your Cousin Balkie, and if she doesn't want to, let it go. This isn't rocket science people, we have fallen down as a society on this one, and need to get our shit together before it is too late.

Women deserve to be treated the same as men, you hear about that in the work force, but the same is true anywhere else. They should be respected, not worshiped, not degraded. If you can just do that, guys, you will find someone, and the relationship you have will be far, far better than any relationship these DudeBros are forming, I can guarantee you that. Just remember, don't just act it, you have to live it.

Also, seriously guys, no pictures of your Iggy and the Stooges. Ever. No one wants to see that. The male area is a gross and disgusting thing that should never be seen, unprovoked, by anyone, anywhere. This includes your wife, girlfriend, priest, mayor or barber. Would you like an unprompted picture of Jimmy Durante made up of nothing but elbow skin suddenly thrust in your face when you least expected it?
Of course you wouldn't, so why would anyone else?

And if you want me to make with some funny, here you go, see you next time folks.

 


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